It looks like watching a random assortment of Netflix shows and documentaries, but only watching the first thirty minutes before boredom and self-induced social media ADHD takes over.
It’s the same with books – buying an even more random assortment of books related to all manner of self-improvement projects and never getting past the halfway mark.
It’s the endless struggle of do-it-now versus do-it-later. I’m too tired now. But I won’t have time later. This good ol’ tug o’ war is comforting in its familiarity.
It’s sorting through clothes to give to charity and having a well of emotions bubble up (“I remember wearing this at this place with that person. That was a lifetime ago. But it also feels like it was yesterday”). And of course, we can’t let an opportunity for a little self-flagellation go to waste (“I can’t believe I used to fit that…”).
It’s experimenting with new recipes and exercise regimes (see above). It’s a mission to get fitter and healthier that inevitably falls on its face after a few days.
It’s saying, “ah fuck it” a lot related to finishing anything, making plans and getting shit done.
It’s spending too much money on food and clothes because of the sense of deprivation one feels when one is removed from such temptations and then is thrown in the middle of giant shopping malls and decent restaurants for a short period of time.
It’s grappling with self-doubt and worry about all the upcoming hoops to jump through.
It’s being consistently inconsistent with meditation. With everything.
It’s processing sadness and conflict and jealousy and confusion and happiness from intense interactions with friends and family that I don’t see too often.
It’s meeting with ghosts from the past and having old dreams, desires, ideas, beliefs triggered.
It’s straining muscles and spending a lot of money on massages and chircpractic treatments.
It’s generally feeling old.
It’s feeling freedom while whizzing around on a bike.
It’s yearning for a puppy.
It’s becoming aware of boundaries and patterns and habits.
It’s feeling the embers of old passions rekindle.
It’s being obsessive about cleaning in order to incite a more ordered state of mind.
It’s feeling paranoid and anxious about saying the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time.
It’s imagining and fantasising about new possibilities, new paths.
It’s wasting money and prioritising short-term comfort over long-term gain.
It’s reaching out and asking for help.
It’s trying to not get angry or pissed off or annoyed with others.
It’s drinking coffee with 100% awareness that it is not a good idea.
It’s falling off, falling short, but getting back up and getting back on.
It’s holding onto shreds of self-compassion and ‘being generous with yourself’ (as a superior put it to me).
It’s caring too much and then not caring enough.
It’s learning from mistakes and then making the same mistakes again. And again.
It’s wondering what could have been and what could be.
It’s continually reminding myself that I can do it.
It’s a snapshot of a moment in time.